The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother

Have you read this book? What did you think of it?

I was fascinated by The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua from the moment I read about it in Time Magazine. I was in the midst of a series of arguments with Jesse, as well as trying to work out what homeschool approach I want to take, and the book seemed to be offering me something. I got ahold of a copy and read it last weekend.

It's about a Chinese woman who was raised in America by strict Chinese parents, married an American man, and decided to raise her children the strict Chinese way. She set out to show that the Chinese method of parenting is superior to the Western method, though in the end, I think she wasn't quite so sure. One of her daughters went along with her methods (hours of rote learning, hours of piano practise every day, no sleepovers or playdates) but her second daughter refused to comply, and the household became a battleground. In the end, her second daughter won.

What I was looking for in the book was an understanding of Chinese parenting and how it works. What she says is that Chinese parents demand and expect more from their children than Western parents, and this is how they show their respect for their children. Chinese parents begin with the idea that their children are strong and tough, and need to be trained to become stronger and tougher, whereas Western parents tend to think of their children as being fragile, and worry a lot about damaging their self-esteem.

By the time I put down the book though, I realised I am far more of a Western parent than a Chinese one, and I don't really aspire to be a Chinese parent. Amy Chua reports of her struggle, after leaving school, to find what she wanted to do. To please her father she enrolled in courses such as economics, which bored her to tears. It wasn't until later she managed to find a variety of law that she could live with. Even then she wasn't passionate about it, the way her husband is passionate about his work. And I think this is the great drawback, of raising children with obedience and compliance as important values, because it makes it harder for them to look inside themselves and see what they feel passionate about.

Amy Chua points out that Western parents think they are being strict when they make their children practise a skill for half an hour to an hour every day, while Chinese parents know that the first hour is the easy one - it's hours two and three that get hard.

Well on reflection, I don't want to make Jesse practise anything for several hours a day. I do want him to practise basic skills that he is learning each day - half an hour to an hour is fine by me.

When I'd finished the book I realised what it was that I wanted from it, and I got it. I wanted the inspiration to be a bit stricter, and to demand a bit more from Jesse than I have been. I want to raise the bar and assume he has the strength and skill to do what I require. And my requirements are very much a Western Parent's dream, not the dreams of a Chinese parents.

I want him to:

- do his morning jobs without me having to harrass him. You know, the every day things like getting dressed, brushing his teeth and so on. The same with the night time.

- do his various homeschool activities without argument. Yes, be compliant and obedient. I don't need this as a great life value or focus, but for those exercises, like handwriting, ballet and guitar practise, I think it's fair enough.

And that's it. Pretty straightforward.

I was inspired by the Chinese approach to work out a way to achieve it - to demand that he work on achieving these goals at once. Before, maybe I would have gone with a gentle phase-in of expectations, and been much more flexible. Instead, I'm going with the tiger mother approach. I've put up a chart with a breakdown of everything I want, and a star system of rewards and consequences as he works towards achieving it.

Breaking the idea to Jesse was terrible - we had tears and tantrums as he was so daunted by the chart. We postponed starting for a week so that he could get in some practise. This week is official week one.. and it's taking a lot of my focus and energy to be so strict and demanding. Ouch. But I'm hoping we'll get some results soon.. results in the form of a smoother, easier daily routine, with more of my energy left for playing with Jesse and doing fun activities with him.

Anyway, if you've read it leave a comment and tell me your thoughts!

Comments

[Geordie]

What is the distinction you make between home/housework and fun activities?

How can you make Jesse *want* to do his home/housework?

[Mel]

I haven't read the book, but I often see-saw from very relaxed to very stict, depending on how much I feel I am getting walked over!

I spent several years as a fundamentalist Christian, and during that time I was quite strict, and I have some regrets about that time and parented in a way I am not particularly proud of. But, in saying that, I do wonder if that time contributed to my kids being the awesome people they are. Don't know.

I think you can really only be as strict as your kids let you. My eldest was a fairly compliant child and traditional methods of disicpline worked with her, she'd still play up, but I didn't have much trouble on the whole.

With my son, it's a whole different ball game. We think he may be a little on the aspergers spectrum, and as such, he has some VERY asperger-ish behaviours. Again, he is a good kid, but very VERY stubborn. If fiftly people tell him the sky is blue, but he has it in his head that the sky is bright green with purple spots - then that is what it is - you just can't argue with him.

We went through a stage with him where he REFUSED to do anything he didn't want to do. He knew I couldn't physically make him (unless Catherine was home, then I'd get her to pick him up and put him the car for me.. lol!), so he pretty much won, most of the time.

So I ended up implementing a rewards chart, and that really did the trick. Our research showed us that he was at *that* age. Apparantly 8-9 year olds are really big on asserting their autonomy, and he was just being really loud and proud about it!

Now we still have moments where I find him a little bit challenging, but nowhere near what was going on before.

Anyway, I rambled and got a little off my point - which was, parents can fool themselves that *they* are the ones in control - and in some instances we are, but kids are their own people and sometimes we need to speak their language to get them to co-operate. Not in bribery or being an airy fairy parent, but by finding out what THEIR passions are, and interspersing times for exploring those passions in between them doing all that awful stuff they HAVE to do, to get a good education.

I am not an overly strict homeschooler but both my kids prefer traditional academics, whereas I'd probably like to be more of an unschooler - but that doesn't work for them, so I follow their lead and give them what they want. Truth be told, I am a very lazy homeschooler! I only make them do the bare minimum they can get away with. They do so many other activities, like drama and sports and art class and youth group, I feel like a lot of their needs are being met in a non traditional setting.

The one thing I REALLY want to work on for my 9 year old is chores! He has been babied along and not really forced to do much because he is a bit un-co, but I can see my teen, who is a HUGE help around the house, resents this a little, and so I am trying to be on his case more and give him more responsibilities - but it is a s l o w process.

Anyway, no idea if any of that was even remotely what you wanted to know, but oh how I love to 'chat' about parenting - especially now when I realise I am faaarrr from the expert I used to think I was!!

[Fixie]

Hey Geordie,

I think this was the problem before.. I was trying to make Jesse WANT to do his homeschool, and make it disappear seamlessly so that it didn't seem different from his play. The end result was that there were some things that I felt he needed to learn (like hand writing) which weren't just happening seamlessly, and I was tiptoeing around trying to win his goodwill for these tasks, trying to find ways to make them fun. Eventually I decided to ditch this approach, and tell him that he has to be educated, whether it's at school or at home. And if it's at home, he's going to have to sit down and do some "work". Well, he doesn't WANT to do it - I make him do it. But it's getting smoother and easier, and he's getting the hang of it now. He works faster, more efficiently, with less complaint (most days).. but we still have a way to go!

And Mel... thank you for your detailed comment. I really connected with the bit you said about your 9 year old helping. I was the oldest girl of 8 children, and I ended up doing way more around the house to help my mum than my brothers did, and in the end I felt frustrated that she had such a double standard. Now we're all adults, the girls still help more and the boys don't. I think that really sucks. Don't bring up your boy to think it's ok to shirk the housework. I'm glad your rewards chart worked. Ours is underway - gawd I feel unsure if it's gong to come thru for us or not. We are on week three now, and still dealing with tears and difficulties. But some things are getting smoother and easier, so I'm hoping we can hang in there and come out the other side where the sun will shine and Jesse will do his jobs and homeschool without argument.. I must be dreaming.. haha!

Love Fixie

[Vikki]

Hi all

For the last few months I've done something similar to the box system with my 8 yr old son. I came to realise he'd spend all day building and talking about lego if I didn't push him. I'm lucky that he likes to think he's being good and knowing that it is the law to be educated (somehow), he came round to the box system almost immediately - I think partly out of relief to be staying legal. I give him 12 small tasks, from handwriting to housework and self-care. He knows that 6 is the minimum to be completed and 12 is the prefered. He chooses what to do and when (within 'school' hours). At the end of the day he is rewarded with time on You Tube to look up lego models.

Its been such a relief to find something that consistently works. Just thought I'd share it.

Great blog. Thank you!

V x